Saturday, November 12, 2011

Fine Dining with Action & Statik (Album Review)

Garçon… Garçon! Table for one, please. Yes, I said ‘for one’…the fuck you snickering about? Can’t a muhfucka be hongry by himself? Whatever, just get me a table close to the kitchen, and bring me a glass of your finest malt liquor.

I’ve been looking forward to this one. Two culinary geniuses from their respective fields, joining forces for the greater good; like two ingredients with distinct characteristics, combining to form a new flavor to savor for even the most critical connoisseur. Move over bacon-covered maple bars…here comes Chef Bronson and Chef Selektah.
30103780A ACTION/ARTS, NEW YORK, N.Y., GRAMERCY THEATER, JULY 23, 2011, CUL DESK; Rap artist Action Bronson poses for a portrait before performing at the Gramercy Theater Saturday night, July 23, 2011 in New York, N.Y.
Man…smoky as HELL up in here.

Is that basil?

Let’s see what we’re workin’ with…DAYUM! This menu got more ginger than Southeast Asia! I mean, normally I don’t trust no ginger, but I’ll make an exception (or two) in this case.

Yo…waitron! Tell the chefs to surprise me with a nice four course meal, aight? And bring me some more of this fine beverage…what year is this? Delicious.

Well…these appetizers are…ehhh. It’s like the house jazz band here is trying to wine and dine me, while your fast-talkin’-ass is trying to get me out the door already! I mean, Bad Lieutenant was my joint (word to Harvey Keitel), Keitel_BadLieutenant
and Fame is a legend, but I’m here with some pretty damn high expectations.

Listen, I know you’re relatively new here, so I’ll let it slide. How about you go ahead and bring me that salad, eh? And drown that shit with ranch, son. Don’t let me see ANY gotdamn green showing through on my plate. Oh, and it best not be that store-bought shit, neither! Fuck a Hidden Valley.

Oooh…what’s this? Now THIS is more like it. Silky smooth undertones, laced with a chili flake-infused lyrical heat - leaving me with that lingering bitter beer-face. Plenty of what I’ve come to know and love about the Albanian wonder: vinegar strokes, leafy greens, and laundry lists of the finest ingredients… THIS is the meal I was looking for! “The Leslie Nielsen of the weed and the word…” (“Cocoa Butter”), that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!

nina-sky[1]Waiter, tell them Nina Sky twins they can come serenade my table (or my nuts) any time they want. And while you’re at it, how about you hook me up with the main dish?

action-bronson-628[1]Bring me whatever that dude over there is having, he looks like he’s enjoying that shit.
Here we go. Just put that plate down and let me go to work. I think I’mma enjoy this. Mmmmm….

Hell. Muhfuckin. Yes. These two cats are cooking at the top of their game now! Maybe cat was a bad choice of words…no feline in these dishes. But there is “One of the few dogs that pulled through the Mike Vick fiasco…” (“Cirque Du Soleil”) This shit is just pure, uncut…awesome: drums that make your neck move like a knife at a carving station… records scratchin’ like you’re trying to clean up that barbeque sauce you dripped on your shirt before it stains… horns blowin’…lyrics flowin’…this is the meal that death row inmates dream of.

Each bite has me soundin’ more and more like Bob. And these side dishes, what these all about? The aforementioned Nina Sky and Fame (BTW, M.O.P. droppin’ their new dish on 11/22 - the same day as Action & Statik), Ea$y Money, Maffew Regazino, and of course, Meyhem Lauren and AG Da Coroner - Action’s Outdoorsmen brethren - come through in full force. It’s a veritable Brooklyn buffet, and worth every penny of the price per plate.

Daaaaaaaammmmmnnnn….I can feel the ‘itis creepin’. Between my full belly, and a welcome glimpse into the softer side of Bronsonelli (“The RainMaker” and “Love Letter”), I don’t even know if I can do dessert. Sheeeyit….who’m I kidding? You don’t a build a temple like this without a few extra fourth courses!

Bring that shit. And, by the way, this here cup of malted goodness is empty, my good man. Let’s fix that, eh Sparky?

OE_HGThat’s better.

Is that a hint of High Gravity I’m detecting? Whatever, it’s a good vintage.

What better way to end this fantastic meal? This shit right here…just what the Dr. Lecter ordered.

Son! Now this…this…hey! I’m tryin’ to tell you how much I LOVE “Cliff Notes” (easily the best dish of the meal), but you’re gonna have to shut the fuck up for a second, K? Yeah…you already told me what the special is…like 732 times: “November 22nd, Well Done, the album, worldwide. Action Bronson’s new album, produced entirely by the Showoff, DJ Statik Selektah, on DCide Showoff Records.” I get it!

Say that shit one more time…ONE. MORE. TIME.

“Bon Voyage”? Oh, that’s it? It’s over? Ummm…damn. That’s too bad. Guess I gotta roll my fat-ass outta here then (thank GOD I wore sweats). Well, do me a favor then: please give my compliments to the chefs. Best believe I’ll be back for seconds on the 22nd - this was one hell of a meal! Truly, Well Done.
Empty40Plus a bonus forty for being such good customers: 20090518_olde-english-8001[1]Refreshing, eh?

P.S. - Action Bronson & Statik Selektah’s Well Done drops on November 22nd, but you can pre-order here.

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