Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Tao of The Cube.

Hi, I’m back. First off, I must publicly apologize to Benny and Catch for not posting in a while. The thing is, I’ve been working on a screenplay. It’s kind of like Lord of The Rings meets Menace 2 Society, but with way more chimpanzees….and midgets. Don’t try to understand. It’s beyond you.

I’ve been stealing from Ice Cube all my life. Most recently a poster from a co-worker’s house. He deserved it. Dude was playing World of Warcraft. Sometimes you gotta draw a line in the sand, and a motherfucker thatice-cube-amerikkkas-most-wanted plays W.O.W. should not be allowed to have a poster of Ice Cube in his house. Dig?

I recently attended a free outdoor street concert that was part of the Dew Tour. This glorious event was located in beautiful downtown Ogden, Utah….yeah, I don’t expect anyone to know where that is. Just know that the Dew Tour comes here every year because the snow is the best in the country (suck it, mormon girlColorado), and because every snowboarder needs to be able to say he banged a Mormon chick (they are ALL hot, trust me).

I’ve talked a lot of shit about Ice Cube over the last few years…. *cough* are we there yet? *cough*. I have become a bitter, disappointed, cranky old bastard. Besides Cube, I feel that a lot of my childhood heroes have fallen from grace. Listening to an album from a favorite artist that just doesn’t measure up is like going to buy a used car and finding that your salesman is Charles Barkley. It’s just a “what the FUCK, Chuck!?!?!” moment.

“Yeah, yeah, BrainSlice, what the fuck are you babbling about?!” *exhales forcefully, coughs* Damn, it’s good to be back in Utah (solid tweeds). My point is, I was prepared to be disappointed, but I wasn’t. I mean, how can Ice FUCKING Cube not put on a good show? The shit was fucking apocalyptic. There were moments when I thought I was in Egypt with bread strapped around my head getting fucking rocks thrown at me. bread helmet When the dude starts his set with “Check Yo’ Self” how can you go wrong? *takes another hit* It was surreal. The crowd was composed of trailer-trash mullet-heads, Ogden Trece, wannabe MMA fighters with faux-hawks (what the fuck is it with Utah?), and skanky snowboarder groupies. I think there may have even been a few black people there. Ice Cube didn’t give a fuck. That’s the thing. It got me thinking. He never has. *exhales, coughs*

If you don’t know the history of O’Shea Jackson, get the fuck outta here. No, seriously, I think you should GET THE FUCK out of here if you are reading this and don’t already know about Ice Cube. Still here? OK asshole, listen up.

He is not just a rapper. He is an artist, a lyricist, a writer, a businessman, and a he’s smarter than you, asshole. He created NWA, wrote all of Dre and Eazy’s lyrics on one of the most influential, groundbreaking, and controversial Hip Hop albums of all time: “Straight Outta Compton”. When he realized he was being ass-raped the predatorby his manager, he gave Jerry Heller the finger and moved on. He then proceeded to create another monumental gangsta rap masterpiece by teaming up with Public Enemy’s East Coast production team: The Bomb Squad. The list goes on: crossing over to acting and delivering a painfully convincing performance as Doughboy in John Singleton’s “Boyz ‘n Tha Hood”, writing screenplays (with Singleton’s encouragement) for “Friday” and its sequels, etc. I ain’t gonna be your personal Wikipedia, so go look the rest up yourself. Just know that is the tip of the iceberg. All these things were done by him, knowing that others didn’t think he could do it. So, for that, I tip my fitted to the man.

Even though I may not like his recent projects as much as the classic shit, I still consider him one of my heroes. So now, my second apology of this post. Sorry Cube. Sorry for stealing almost every one of your cassette tapes from the local record store when I was a kid, sorry for talking shit about TBS, and sorry for thinking that your concert might suck. You are not to be fucked with. Peace.

P.S. Catch loves cunts. He told me that earlier.

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