Tuesday, May 18, 2010

AYCE Investigates: The Weezy Diaries

I’m sure there are those of you who remember the 9th of March like it was yesterday: that sweet beginning of a alg_court_lil_waynebreath of fresh air, and the first of at least 240 days of “F.”reedom. Yes, your Lil’ Wayne-cation is on and poppin’! Unfortunately, it’s also already more than two months down – where has the time gone?

For the other 15 of you, March 9th was like the day your dog died; when the last of your resin ball went up in  smoke…yes, the day your favorite flavor of Robo was sold out – everywhere! Fear not Weezy F. Baby heads, we got you.

See, we got friends everywhere, just waiting for their call: from Portland to Poland, Riyadh to…Rikers? Yes, that’s right; we even have AYCE correspondents on the inside. Of course, normally I hang up as soon as I hear anything about a collect call, but OswaldBateswhen I heard “…from Oswald Bates,” I knew I had to accept the charges.

Friends, our boy Oswald was able to get his hands on what will go down as one of hip-hop’s most coveted documents. For a paltry pack of Pall Malls and a Slim Jim, O.B. was able to purchase the prison diary of one Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. So, for all you heads out there jonesin’ for a peek inside Birdman Jr.’s incarcerated life, we went through and picked out some of the highlights for you in a new installment of AYCE Investigates.
AYCEInvestigates_Logo (Warning: it’s not for the weak at heart – or people that have haircuts like Justin Bieber – seriously, the fuck?)

March 9th, 2010 - 7:30pm:
Dear Diary,308_lil_wayne_012809

First day at Chateau de Rikers…shit ain’t that bad. Got my own room up in this piece and errything! Still ain’t  seen no Italiano muhfuckas makin’ sauce like in Goodfellas, but best bellee I’ll keep my eyes open for that shit (all this jail time got me hongry). Ain’t goin lie though Diary…they need some bitches up in here! How am I s’posed to make it rain without no hos? (Real talk, bitch-ass Plaxico ain’t fooling nobody with that skirt neither.) Only thing, wish these cats would stop askin’ me to sing Lollipop to ‘em…the way they lookin’ at me make me feel weird.

Weezy Out.
March 17th, 2010 - 11:15am:
l_1de40cb70af14cb5b2557bc19b4f15ba Dear Diary,

The fuck am I gonna get a warrant when I’m sitting in jail already? Like getting’ fired on your damn day off ‘n shit! (By the way, you seen that stupid-ass shit Cube done now? Member when he put the “g” in gangster, and not the “g” in gay? TBS: Thatssome Bull Shit.) Anyway, the fuck is wrong with Arizona anyway? I ain’t Mexican!  Errything else pretty good though Diary. Wish I didn’t have to keep s’plainin’ that the Hot Boys wudn’t like that though.

D.M.C. (not that one)
April 7th, 2010 - 8:30am:
Yo D,

Just got a visit from the Warden today, guess who got a jobby-job?!? Dass right, your boy Weezaaaay! lilwayne1pi34Knew  it wouldn’t be long before I started grindin’. Heard it’s the best job in this piece, too. Says all I gotta do is tell cats not to kill theyselves, and I get paid… let’s see… fitty cents an hour! So, if I just stop dudes from wackin’ theyselves (PAUSE) for…. (carry the one)… 2,000,000 hours… BAM, a milli! Even in prison, I’m a HUSTLA!!!!  I’ll be rollin’ in syrup in no time.

Weez Outta Here Baby
April 10th, 2010 - 10:15pm:
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 28:  Lil Wayne attends the 2008 Powerhouse concert at IZOD Center on October 28, 2008 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Johnny Nunez/WireImage) Oh damn, Diary!

Today was fuuuuucked up! First, there's this guy Nasty Nate who's after my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish. And then the Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch. Help me Diary!!

WAIT!! Hol’ up! Ain’t that from a movie? Damn…I think I need to lay off the prison 0c139d4e sizzerp…shit got me trippin’! 

The Carter is exit only.

P.S. - I need to talk to Ms. Katie – she the only one who really understands me.
April 28th, 2010  - 3:45pm:

Diddy came for a visit today. He kept sayin’ “Hello. Good Morning.” I was like, muhfucka, it’s afternoon. And where’s my vodka got damnit?!? Bet he drank it all on the way here. Prolly shared it wit everyone on the bus too, sayin: “take that - take that!” Bitch ass Puffy.

May 5th, 2010 - 10:20am:

I’m tired of writing…where Drake at?

May 11th, 2010 - 4:20pm:
This the last straw, Diary!

lil-wayne2 Some bitch ass told the CO’s ‘bout my go-go gadget watch - bet it was Plaxico! That shit not only told time like a muhfucka, it had a secret mp3 playa too! I couldn’t get that shit to work right, but the fuck I’m s’posed to do now? Listen to the got damn radio?!?! You know what kinda bullshit they play on the radio?? I mean, besides me and Drake? Diddy…and Lady GaGa. Fuck that! And seriously Diary, how many times I gotta tell these dudes that “Fuck Me in the Moshpit” ain’t about no gay shit?!? Stop lookin’ at me like that!!

BM Jr.

Well, there you have it folks. Shocking stuff. Keep Weezy in your thoughts and prayers for the next six to ten months – or, just keep on enjoyin’ that Wayne-cation…your call! In the meantime, if you like what you just read, feel free to send some money to O.B.’s commissary, he’s innocent-ish - and he needs it for antibiotics.

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