Wednesday, February 25, 2009

AYCE Investigates… The N.O.R.E. Story

What up y’all?? Been a minute, but we were catchin’ up on some beauty sleep… recovering from the latest food coma, you know? Actually, Benny was busy gettin’ boobies in his face on the other coast while some of us were busy puttin’ in work! In case you ain’t heard, there was an incident in South Beach that has sparked a bit of controversy around the webs… we decided to get the scoop, the REAL scoop.

After a thorough review of the surveillance video, we’ve reconstructed the events from February 22nd at Miami’s one and only Fat Burger location. Here’s what really happened that fateful Sunday afternoon:

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(door swings wide open)

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NORE: WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WHAT-WH-WHAT! Ay-yo, my name’s NORE, and I am FUCKING HONGRY!

(grabs flowers out of vase )

Deez real?? I’m a muhfuckin’ veegan ya know! Dat means I eats vegetables ‘n’ shits… flowers too! Can I get some cheese on these muhfuckas? Whatchu mean “no”? You know who I am???

(throws flowers at some dude eating a plate of skinny fries)

What I’m gonna eat now?? I don’t fucks wit da bovine, nawmsayn? But I do fucks wit dis lemonade an shit… lemme get a extra large with extra ade in dat piece… I’m FUCKING THURSTAY TOO! Nawmsayn? WHUT? No such thing as “extra ade”?? YOU KNOW WHO I AM???

(dumps drink on floor, flexes and yells “what?” at it)

Man, ain’t no floor fin to flex on me! Sheeeet… all this thuggin’ got me hongry as a mug… lessee… oh a “King Burger,” dey mussa knew I was comin – ha ha ha. Why you ain’t laughin? Whatever whatever, lemme get…. “Baby Fat?” yeah, das all dis is… I be skinny again yo… c’mon main, dat’s some funny shit! Fuck you den. Ummm… ahhhh, derrr it is! Lemme get a Veggie Burger in. this. beeotch! You know I’mma veegan.

(cashier rings it up, asks for $8.63)

WHAT WHAT WH-WHAATTTT?? EIGHT DOLLAS?!?! That shit made of gold? Muhfucka, you know I ain’t had a hit in like five years! I mean, me and Pone bout to drop a new, even more irrelevant album next month, but how my posed to afford that shit until then? What? Oh you got jokes… this necklace? How I afford this?

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Man, dem sum cubic sizzer-coney-islandan shit. Looks tight dough, right? Never lose my ‘Ports neither! Look man, I ain’t payin’ no gotdamn eight dollas for no muhfuckin’ veggie burger… fuck all dat! My whips got navigation, yours is garbation… I’m out this bitch…

(turns and notices customer already eating his “Double King Meal Deal”)

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Ay yo, slim, you gon eat all dat?? GIMME DAT GOTDAMN BURGER! YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M HUNGRY AS A MUHFUCKA!!

(slaps dude across the helmet, grabs double King burger and takes off out the door yellin’)

N-O-R-E! That stand fa N*ggaz On the Run Eatin’! Can’t catch me man!

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